Lies
Lies
So I haven’t written on here in awhile. I suppose I got a little tired of the Internet in general. I also think I have too many social network things to keep up with, or more so, to keep me interested.
Anyway so what’s going on in my world…the count down to my last day at my job has begun. I’ve cried actually a few times and also sat and talked to my boss more times in the last week than I have in months. I guess it all just sucks because I really love my job. I didn’t want to quit and have to go back to looking for work.
My parents want me to move in with them at the end of may. I might have to. I’ve applied to a few places, but no word on any of them. Really, what are the chances most places are going to want someone that looks like me. So there’s my terrible news. One more month at my job and one more month in the house I love. All because of some selfish bitches. Wonder if they know the full impact of what they did. Suppose it’s a moot point seeing as how I doubt they care.
Maybe it will be good for me. I love my parents and I’ve never been too proud to get help from them. This house is also very lonely since he left. I write to him every night in a journal-esq type fashion where I go through all the boring details of my day and tell him how much I love him and I miss him. I tell him all the things I can’t tell him, or refuse to because I don’t want him to worry about things he can’t control or help me with.
I write real letters that go off every couple of days as well. I get no response, but that was expected. I guess the point is so he doesn’t feel forgotten or alone. So he doesn’t doubt what we had before he left. And so I can ramble on about all the stuff I’d ramble on about if he were here on my couch instead of in the rain or snow or wind or whatever the weather is there in navy land.
I worry that I won’t get to see him at the end of may. I’ve been told not to expect to. That things rarely work out the way the officers say they will and they do it to shut you up and make you feel better for a moment. Even my dad said the army shipped him off the night after graduation and that they were in lockdown until then.
I’ve been emotional lately. But normally only when I’m at home. As angel found my answer to most things, even him saying he was really going to miss me was ‘it is what it is’ because that’s just it. The whirlwind of shit that hit right after the mr left, coincidence only, has just been what it’s been. There’s no stopping it. So I’ve been going through the house. Throwing away shit left and right. Preparing for what I know will happen. And it may seem like I’m throwing in the towel without even trying, but I assure you I am not. It’s more like not being caught with your pants down when and if the time comes. Truth is though, it really is inevitable.
Let’s just hope the mr still loves someone more broken than I was before. I feel like every day is a slap and a few kicks. I’ve been through worse, but none that have bothered me as much.
So time to get up off the couch and continue the endless cleaning/tossing stuff for the homeless. I don’t want to though, I’m so very tired
